Friday, March 27, 2009

Film Review: Twilight


Slap me, punch me, beat me, strangle me with clothesline, garrote me with rusty barbed wire, impale me on the inverted cross of death, disembowel me with a garden trowel, shoot me in the face with a double barrelled shotgun, crucify me upside down, bury me alive, stone me, cut off my eyelids with razorblades, carve "war" on my stomach with a kitchen knife, put my head on the axeman's chopping block, slap electrodes on my balls, cut out my tongue, pour Drano down my throat, castrate me during fellatio, decapitate me with a chainsaw, feed me to sharks, insert a burning red poker into my rectum till it comes out my mouth, cannibalise me, pull out my fingernails with a pair of pliars, dump me in a vat of acid, shove a quarter stick of dynamite down my throat and light it, bust my kneecaps with baseball bats, drown me in a bathtub, slash my throat with a straight edge razor, set my hair on fire, feed me to a pack of rabid dogs, pour gasoline on me and light a match, bash my brains in with a brick, ALL BECAUSE:

I LIKED "TWILIGHT" (even though my buddy Will Broadbent called it "High School Musical for Goths").

Then again, I liked "High School Musical" too...

Comment away:

8 comments:

John said...

I'm going to pretend this one never happened.

Phil Neglected said...

Don't sweat it John. Unlike offensive trash like "Saw 5", "Hostel 2" or all the remakes of late, I went into "Twilight" with my snob meter off, my cynicism in check, and my inner 15 year old self on. The last third of the movie (the "action") sucked big time, but the "forbidden love" aspect was well done ala "Titanic", "Romeo and Juliet" and "Valley Girl". It isn't even a horror film anyways, but the first half was ok.

John said...

Saw shit and Hostel shit aren't neccesarily offensive because of the violence, considering I love gore, they offend because of the complete insult to the horror film audience. The motivation behind the gore is offensive. Utter gar-bitch.

I'm the last person who's going to outright ridicule you because I know you have a real taste for the good stuff. Hell, you got me to open my eyes to few D'Amato films that are actually good; so you liking a movie I think is retarded (though I admit I haven't seen it) certainly won't taint any opinion I have you or your taste in cinema. Will's thoughts on Twilight seem dead right based on what I've heard about the film, particularly from the clucking I'm hearing from the girls in their late 20's who work in my office who talk about those books and this movie like it were a fantasy so deeply realized it was like a second coming of Tolkein. Will has it part right. Seems like High School Musical and Harry Potter for goth kids.

Phil Neglected said...

I totally agree with you and Will about the "Twilight" phenomena in general. The books look like total pieces of garbage, although I'm sure they're fine for the 12-15 market (even goths need something to rally around). "Women" in their late 20s swooning over the books (or more likely, over Edward Pattinson)strike me as utterly ridiculous. Like I said, the movie wasn't THAT bad for what it is: a big romantic Hollywood production designed to bring in lots of teen cash.

Now let's move onto the real stuff: I just watched a sick obscure Spanish/British flick from 1976 called "Who Can Kill A Child?". "Children of the Corn" before it's time (only weirder).

thebonebreaker said...

hahahahaha :-)

Hey, I liked the movie and I love the books. . .

As for Who Can Kill A Child - that is a Fantastic film!

B. Liebling said...

Phil: Officer Hugh Johnson from the Credibility Police is on line two.

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